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When I found out I was pregnant with my second child, the thought of choosing to formula feed her crossed my mind pretty early. You see, when my son was born, I never thought that breastfeeding would ever be a problem. The idea of formula feeding my child was absolutely not in the picture. He was born and the last thing he wanted to do was latch.
Because he did not latch, we had to spend an additional night in the hospital because I was so determined to breastfeed. In fact, I was very against supplementing with formula. I think it was the fact that our son was our firstborn and formula was never a thought that crossed my mind. Thinking about this later, I wish someone would have talked to me about formula and the potential for supplementation. It would have prepared me for the possibility and it could have prevented multiple overnight mental breakdowns.
My First Breastfeeding Experience
My son is my firstborn and he received my breast milk exclusively for 6 months through a bottle. After countless trips to the lactation consultant right after he was born, I could not get him to latch. I spent hours trying to get him to latch and feed, only to find myself strapped exclusively to the breast pump. I just felt like I was constantly trying to fit the new-mom stigma.
“It just felt like I was constantly trying to fit the new-mom stigma.”
I would try again and again and continued to fail. That is exactly what I felt like, a failure. I remember hysterically crying to my husband saying “I can’t even do the one thing my son absolutely needs me to do and that is to feed him”.
Note to my husband: thank you for being my absolute biggest support through all of my emotional breakdowns postpartum.
It was probably 3 o’clock in the morning when I sent this unnecessarily long email to my lactation consultant. I begged her to understand that breastfeeding was not going to work. Not sure why I felt like I was trying to prove something to someone. It just always felt like I needed to explain myself to everyone. But really, I felt like I needed to make some excuse as to why my son would NOT receive my breastmilk from the breast.
I can still hear my husband saying, “who cares?” and he was right. I know, I just admitted my husband was right! But he was right.
I had 12 weeks off for maternity leave with my son and I felt like I needed to do everything I could to get him breast milk.
I chose to exclusively pump, every three hours, around the clock for 6 months. It was one of the hardest things I have ever done. Everywhere I went, so did my pump. I even went to jury duty with that thing (and pumped in a utility closet). I pumped on a beach, I pumped in the car, and I manually pumped in a bathroom stall at a Mets game in the middle of July. Breast pumping was truly one of the hardest 6-months of my life, however, it was something I was committed to at that time in my life.
Transition To Formula
When I decided to wean from the pump, I had hundreds of ounces of breast milk in a deep freezer. I decided to make it last as long as possible by mixing half and half formula. Quickly, I realized how much easier life was becoming with that crucial little formula can. That formula was expensive but much easier and less anxiety-ridden than the pump. I even figured buying the expensive organic formula would make me feel better about quitting the pump.
I promised myself that I would never put myself through exclusively pumping ever again. The fight to get him to latch on put me in a postpartum depression that I never wanted to feel again. Even dealing with the hassle of dragging my pump everywhere I went brought on anxiety I never wanted to experience again.
Formula Feeding My Second Child
When I fell pregnant with my daughter, I instantly started thinking about how I would not even attempt to breastfeed. The thought of that dreadful postpartum depression that ruled over my life during my first pregnancy terrified me. I just didn’t want to deal with any of those stresses again, not to mention I was going to have a toddler on top of it all.
It wasn’t long before I heard “You are planning to breastfeed, right?” like it was a must. Anytime I answered “we’ll see” I got the look. That look makes you feel like you don’t know that breastmilk is great for babies. You can read about how breastmilk benefits the baby here if you wish to learn more.
Some of you moms probably know the look I am talking about. The one where you feel completely and utterly judged by someone who probably never had an issue with breastfeeding, like ever. Never had to be hooked to a machine every three hours for 24 hours a day.
I actually changed my mind when a co-worker called me “bad mama” because I did not want to breastfeed. I left the office in tears that day and felt like I had just committed emotionally to formula feeding. There I was second-guessing myself again.
“a co-worker called me “bad mama” because I did not want to breastfeed”
When I was in the hospital to have my daughter, I remember saying to myself that if she doesn’t latch immediately, then I am not doing it.
Well guess what, this girl latched. I had mixed emotions because I was achieving something I felt like I missed out on with my son. However, I was terrified it wouldn’t work out and I would see that pump again. And I was right. She latched but not effectively enough to empty the breast or take in enough milk. I found myself latched to the breast pump once again. The swollen and engorged breasts began to put me in an emotional spiral.
I knew this wasn’t long-term. I only had an 8-week leave and I was going back to a full-time job that I couldn’t just stop and pump at. Hence the blog name, A Working Moms Life!
There was one breastfeeding attempt that I remember so vividly that led up to my decision to formula feed my second child. My nipples were so chapped, bleeding, and swollen. Every time she latched on, it felt like a weedwhacker was annihilating my nipples. I so wish I was exaggerating but I let out the worst cry my husband has ever heard from me. The pain was worse than labor itself and it never got better. I cut her off from the breast that night and broke out my pump. The sound of that pump still haunts me. Maybe I am being dramatic, but that whoosh-whoosh noise is in my nightmares.
I was exclusively pumping once again.
Formula Life
I decided to formula feed my child because it was the best thing for our family at that time and here is why:
1) More Sleep
My daughter still woke up every 3 hours as a newborn, but sleep definitely improved after switching to formula. Since we were using baby formula, I was no longer the only one getting up with her every feed. My husband has always been great about sharing the overnight duties. It gave both of us a little more sleep overnight.
2) More Freedom
My breast pump and I have a love-hate relationship. However, I was really excited to put that back in the closet. I didn’t need to carry around TWO bags everywhere I went so I could pump. I was able to put the formula in this travel container and go where I needed to go.
UPDATE: I found this extremely cute formula container for travel and have been using it since. It holds more baby formula than the travel containers I was using. (Note: If you get this, make sure you use the scoop that comes with your formula for the appropriate amount of formula (this comes with one but it isn’t the right measurement for all formulas).
3) No Worries About Food or Drink
This was actually really important to me, and maybe it shouldn’t be. Right after my daughter was born, I was a bridesmaid at my best friend’s wedding. I had her bachelorette party and her wedding shortly after. I did not want to have to worry about when my last drink was or if what I was eating would bother my daughters belly. My sister’s wedding was not too long after that and I was so happy to not have to pump in our hotel room every 3 hours and miss out on her special day!
4) There Was Another Child to Take Care Of
This was my second child which means I had a 2-year-old all in my business every time I fed the baby or pumped. He was and still is completely obsessed with his sister and formula feeding means he got to help feed the baby. There was a fear that my son would become jealous of me feeding my daughter so much or pumping so often. These were crucial reasons why I chose to formula feed my second child.
Formula Shortage
I am writing this post in the midst of a massive formula shortage. Never in my wildest dreams did I think that there would be a halt on FEEDING BABIES! It was important to write about this tragic time in many moms’ lives because I am fighting this shortage with you. If only there were tips and tricks to beat this but I am just as lost as most of you.
If I could have foreseen this formula shortage then I may have worked a lot harder at exclusively pumping. I probably would not be writing this post on why I formula feed my second child. There are a few reasons why:
Save Money
I am now buying any formula possible to feed my daughter. Instead of store brand formula for cheap, I find myself buying popular brand names just to feed her. There are only small cans of our formula for almost $20. I am in no way complaining seeing as our daughter does not need a special formula for GI disorders. I cannot even imagine what some other parents are going through.
Prevent Fear-
When I was breastfeeding/pumping, there was always a fear of whether my supply would be enough. Now that I am formula feeding, this fear has returned. The only problem is that I can’t just drink more water and take supplements to make formula magically appear.
End Anxiety-
Not sure whether the anxiety of exclusively pumping was worse than the look of empty formula shelves or not. The pit in my stomach every time I have to go find some sort of formula for my daughter is like no other feeling I have ever felt.
Conclusion
As long as your children are fed, who the heck cares how they get it. It took me a long time to figure out that it is okay if you formula feed your child. If I have a third baby, I am sure that I will endure this mental battle once more. As moms, we are always trying to do what we think is best for our babies. Sometimes we stop thinking about what is best for us. I can tell you that having the supportive husband that I have saved me from unnecessary tears these last 3 years. I also have an extremely involved mom who had her own breastfeeding struggles. My mom helped me feel like everything was going to be okay with formula feeding.
They were both right, I mean, I survived.
What you should do now? Pin to Save This Read!
Any decision you make on how to feed your baby is not in cement. If you choose to try breastfeeding and don’t think it fits into your home life, then you go to formula. No one and I means no one, else’s opinion matters. Have conversations with your spouse about what you feel is best for you. Have open communication with your providers ahead of time. This will help to prevent the overwhelming pressure they put on you right after birth to start breastfeeding.
Good luck on your breastfeeding/formula feeding journey. Whether you choose to formula feed your child or not, your baby will be fed and that is what matters most.
XOXO
Olivia